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New Year, Same Me

It’s that time of the year again filled with laughter, fun and favorite holiday traditions! 

We get to sneak whiskey into our 10 year old cousin’s hot chocolate when she isn’t watching!

We get to wear baggy sweaters because it’s in style and for no other reason having to do with eating habits!

We get to lie to our aunts about the hot Latin guy we are dating named Frederico who is a successful businessman who owns a house and a Range Rover and buys me flowers everyday (but they will never get to meet him because he is too busy balancing his charity work and gym time)!

We get to come up with New Year’s resolutions!

I usually make the same resolution that most of chubby America makes: eat healthier.  I only say that to reassure myself that it’s OK to stuff my face on New Year’s Eve. Then I’m hungover (food hangover) on New Year’s Day, so of course I can’t eat healthy or work out. Then it’s January 2nd and it’s too late to start, so I have to wait until next year. It’s a vicious cycle.

My parents taught me to set myself up for success, so this year I’ve decided to set a few realistic resolutions:

  • Ruin a friend’s wedding
  • Eat out four times a week
  • Don’t be in control when I drink
  • Disappoint my parents
  • “Try” but come up just short on finishing a book
  • Text a friend something mean about them that I meant to send someone else
  • “Dry” hump a guy I meet on tinder
  • Subsequently, ruin a perfectly good pair of cords

All of these will inevitably happen this year.   This post is dedicated to you, mom and dad.

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The best advice I’ve ever received

I’ve learned a lot in my 24 years. I like to consider myself a very wise, mature, respected woman (insert dick and balls joke here). I haven’t always been this graceful. Believe it or not, a lot of people have helped to shape me into the gorgeous, confident, size 2 of a woman that I am today.

So rather than hold all of the advice I’ve welcomed into my life to myself, I’ve decided to share the best of the best with you today.

I can personally guarantee, if you take the following to heart, you too can become a “buffoon who needs to get her life together” (thanks, Dad).

Balls are like stepchildren, you don’t love them, but you’ve got to play with them from time to time. These words of wisdom came from a very large, very flamboyant man who taught my college friends all about the art of butt play.

Never buy pants a size too small to inspire you to drop weight. You’re not going to drop weight. Thanks, Grandpa.

Never do yoga after eating Chipotle. My sister learned that lesson the hard way.

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story. My Uber driver told me this, right after her very detailed story about having sex with Ron Jeremy.

Never make eye contact while eating a banana. Father Todd of St. Catherine’s Parish.

Always make eye contact while eating a hot dog. Father Todd played a big role in my childhood.

Any of life’s big questions can be answered on Yahoo Answers.  This piece of advice is directly from me. From Yahoo Answers, I’ve diagnosed myself with crabs, learned how to hem my pants, AND met a lover.

So there are my secrets to success, folks. Take em or leave em.

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10 Things Every 20-something Can Actually Do

There is nothing I hate more than accidental anal. But a close second would be those Elite Daily articles like “20 reasons to travel around the world in your twenties.” It’s infuriating because it’s not possible for most of us peasants. I don’t need 20 reasons, I know it would be fucking dope to take a year to travel and meet some heartthrob who barely speaks English (but knows the language of love). Not everyone can prance around France and drink wine under the Eiffel Tower. My broke ass can barely afford to drink wine while watching The Bachelorette.

Everyone loves to reach their goals, but it’s frustrating to have a list of goals to conquer that just aren’t realistic. So here’s a practical list of things EVERY TWENTY SOMETHING SHOULD DO (and actually can do).

If I can check everything off on this list, so can you.

Fall in love.  Pizza. Netflix. The bartender at The Den. Guacamole. Tim Riggins.

Be someone’s bitch. I’ve mastered the art of carrying 12 coffees at once.

Make someone else your bitch (aka get into a fight with a parking attendant). This morning I called the valet guy a mother fucker. I feel okay about it because he 100% deserved it. I can thank the book Lean In for giving me the confidence to verbally assault a 300 pound man.

Audition for a reality show. I auditioned for that old MTV show “MADE” in high school. I wanted to be the first. I wanted to be the best. I wanted to get laid (kissed).

Live in a shitty house with too many people.  My college house was disgusting and crowded and fun and my mom cried the first time she stepped inside.

Do some drugs. What’s living if you never pull your shorts down and shoot a little meth? That’s how the saying goes, right?

Overnight babysit for a weekend. I don’t care what NuvaRing says, this is the best method of birth control on the market.

Get on stage.  So fun.

Get kicked off stage. Surprisingly fun

Fall down a flight of stairs. I only added this one because I couldn’t think of one more. I’ve done it countless times and it’s pretty easy to accomplish if you just get black-out drunk.

So there you go, twenty-somethings. Make yourself a checklist, do some affirmations, and get it done. And if you’re not a twenty-something, don’t worry, I’m sure you can succeed too if you put your mind to it.

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Lent

Lent is coming up and I’m starting to get questioned about what I’m giving up this year. Will it be drinking? Bread? Sweets? Or will I DO something rather than give up something? Go to church? Volunteer? Not steal my roommates food? The possibilities are endless.

In college I decided to go to church every Sunday, but my hangover got the best of me. Plus, I’m pretty sure I would black out off of one sip of the wine (hair of the dog), which would probably lead to me trying to dance to the closing hymnal, and not even a priest would forgive my lackluster, yet oddly sexual dancing abilities.

One year I successfully gave up meat, but proceeded eat so much on Easter that I threw up all over my aunts antique dining table in front of 30+ people. I’ve vowed to never give up meat again. You really can’t trust vegetarians anyway. Exhibit A- Anne Hathaway.

What a bitch.

What a bitch.

I’m going to be a bit more realistic with what I give up this year because I’m committed to sticking with it. I don’t want to make it too difficult in fear I’ll abandon my promise.

So here is what I’m giving up:

  • Yoga
  • Pretending to like yoga
  • Vaginal intercourse
  • The Big Bang Theory
  • Juicing
  • Green Day

Come Easter, let’s hope I haven’t ripped all my hair out from the anxiety of being behind on The Big Bang Theory and not having my nightly kale juice for dessert.

I’m also going to make an effort to DO something this lenten season.

I’m going to make an effort to:

  • Win the lotto
  • Completely finish every meal
  • Catch up on every show on Netflix
  • Meet Tom Hanks
  • Win a hamburger eating contest

Don’t call me a Saint, I’m just a girl trying to do her part to make the world a better place.

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Roses are Red and so is Wine

It’s GALENTINES DAY bitches.

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Tomorrow is Valentines Day which can be a sad, lonely day filled with Dominos Pizza, texts from my mom and coming THIS CLOSE to deleting instagram if I see one more god damn picture of roses.  But I would never actually delete insta because how else would I make my life look way more exciting than it actually is?

But today is a great day! Today is Galentines Day, where we celebrate our gal pals. Unless they are skinny (fuck the skinny bitches in da club) cause they already get too much attention.

So here today’s post will be a tribute to all MAH LADIES!! Where you AT LADIEZZZZZZZZZZ????????

F.O.E (Food Over Everything. Then Family)

Pierre and his BITCHES

Pierre and his BITCHES

I’ve got the cutest lil mamasita in the world. And my sisters aren’t bad either. Sucks though because we all have the same face but I’m fat (plus sized, chubby- whatever you want to call it).  But Mickey still has 2 years of college so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she beefs up.

HIGH SCHOOL HARLOTS  

High school was a weird time for me

High school was a weird time for me

My high school friends are some funny a$$ hoes. But not actually hoes cause we were all a bunch of prudes. My friends and I got into lots of trouble in high school- but not for the classic reasons like drinking or smoking. We got in trouble for pantsing each other at school, cheating to make the track team and ditching school early to get front row for The Fray. Yes, The Fray. ULTIMATE BADASSES AMIRITE?

COLLEGE CUTIES

V V serious

V V serious

My college friends are somehow both terrible influences and the best people I know. They are legitimate psychopaths which made some people uneasy around us, but I love them a lot. I really wish I could go into more detail but every story I want to tell is too inappropriate and my father would be extremely upset.

POST COLLEGE PROSTITUTES 

Mature, financially stable and ready to settle down

Mature, financially stable and ready to settle down

I always thought after college I would relax a bit, but I was wrong. Sometimes I think I’ve gotten more out of control than I was in college- and it’s due to my friends in LALA Land. Moving far away from friends and family is hard, but it makes it easier when you find people with similar interests- eating, drinking, being horizontal and celebrity porn.

So although tomorrow I will be spending hours on tinder… and the toilet (Dominos will do that too ya), I will spend today celebrating my friends- Happy Galentines to all, and to all a good bottle of wine.

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The Bad Girls Guide to Halloween

Ladiessssss!! Halloween is just around the corner and you all know EXACTLY what that means.

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Halloween can be a fun time, but it can also be very stressful! Picking out the perfect costume that is both uncomfortable and completely impractical can be difficult! When I dress up on Halloween I like to be able to act in character as well. How am I supposed to give the heimlich to someone choking on candy corn when I can’t move my arms in fear that my costume will split and my ass will be exposed? How am I supposed to arrest someone for peeing on me when I’m passed out when my naughty cop costume comes with handcuffs that aren’t meant to actually restrain someone?

Let’s face it, I have sex appeal. You can deny it all you want, but I know it to be true because Steve Buscemi once told me to back up. I assumed he meant it in a  “back dat us up” way, not in a “move back because you are blocking the elevator” way. Anyway, because I love helping others achieve their maximum hotness potential, I’ve decided to give you all some costume ideas that are sexy, fun, and practical.

Now, I will say some of these photos may get a little racy- what can I say, college was an experimental time for me- but bare with me. You can always adapt these costumes to cover more skin if that makes you more comfortable.

HOT DOG GIRL

I will start with one of the most suggestive costumes due to it’s phallic nature. I don’t know what you’re thinking… but I’m thinking that I look damn delicious.

The men could not get enough of me this night.

The men could not get enough of me this night.

DR. DEATH 

I know a very popular women’s costume is a sexy nurse, and if you like this look then boy do I have a treat for you. Ladies, it is 2014, get with the times and dress as a Sexy Doctor! Equality! Here, my friend pulls off the Sexy Dr. Death look better than Dr. Doolittle himself.

Bill Clinton and Walter White were following her around all night.

Bill Clinton and Walter White were following her around all night.

PREGNANT TWINS 

We all know that dudes dig twins. But nothing gets a guy going more than white-trash, pregnant twins who are holding beers.

Billy Bob Thorton's wet dream?

Billy Bob Thorton’s wet dream?

NAUGHTY COP PARTNERS WITH THEIR LOYAL CANINE GROUP COSTUME

Here we have a modern take on a classic costume. We see Officer Anna on our left, sexing her costume up with the hip action. Then if you look closely at Officer Sally on the right, you notice the cute mustache. They are the perfect combination of sexy and cute.  But throw in a sassy little puppy and you’ve got yourself a group of boner slayers ladies and gentleman.

"Who let the dogs out?"- Baja Men

“Who let the dogs out?”- Baja Men

HOT BABY

This one is for the perverts out there. We’ve got your typical play on baby-hot with costumes like Baby Spice and Sexy Cry Baby- but this one truly breaks the mold and I am lucky to have been apart of it.

Disclaimer: Stay away from pedophiles.

Disclaimer: Stay away from pedophiles.

GLAM GOTH

I think it’s safe to say that guys love excessive dark eye make up- so if you are going for the sultry look, look no further. Not only is this costume gaureenteed to get a man’s attention, it is also easy to compile through your own wardrobe. All you need is black lipstick, white face powder, 3 black eyeliners, black vans, black fishnets, and a choker- all essentials every woman should have.

Guys love intimidating women.

Guys love intimidating women.

In this day and age it’s really hard to get a man’s attention AND respect, and that is why I am so glad to have been able to help you get both of those this Halloween. So go out! Get Crazy! Tell people about the book you’re reading! Dance on an elevated surface! Gain a mans respect! Join in on political banter! Black out! Share your interests with someone you usually wouldn’t converse with! And most importantly- be YOU!